I am a meteorologist and a former youth leader at church…I have a lot to say on both subjects…and then some
The Cast of MTV's Skin
I’ve been hearing a lot about Skins, the new show on MTV. It is a show that is based on the British show by the same name. I watched the first episode last night when I couldn’t sleep. The first episode wasn’t as bad as I thought it would be, but I can see it getting racier with time. At first, I thought this isn’t reality, but on second thought after a flashback to my late teen years in college. I had a similar discussion with my parents about how I knew some people who lived out some of the movie “St. Elmo’s Fire.” There are some kids who are doing and experiencing these things, and from time to time, some of the story lines may be true for a few kids some of the time. However, the things that most parents will panic about is that their kid is living this life. I understand the Parent’s Television Council’s on this show, but is it possible that they are little overboard on the “most dangerous program ever?” I have to admit I am a bit nervous of teens, especially younger teens watching this and thinking that’s what high school life is about. People in general take a single story and think that’s the way the world is, until they hear more stories. This talk from the TED Talks talks about this very fact. Here’s the lede for it, but watch the 20 minute video from a Nigerian author talk about her experiences with only hearing a single story.
Our lives, our cultures, are composed of many overlapping stories. Novelist Chimamanda Adichie tells the story of how she found her authentic cultural voice — and warns that if we hear only a single story about another person or country, we risk a critical misunderstanding.
Kids are very susceptible to this as the speaker points out with her experience with a poorer family from Nigeria when he was a little girl.
However, as a youth worker, I try to keep on the youth culture, and how marketers try to get us to spend our money, especially youth. So what have I learned about this program. That youth workers should view this with the mind that some of your kids may be experiencing these. This is but a subset of the youth culture. Not all of the kids are into this scene. This show, may get the ax or put on later at night. We must learn that kids themselves need to realize that living from a single story stunts their view of what the wider world is like. Some would argue that we should let the kids see this show, but the problem is there typically isn’t any other show on that tells the stories of other kids that don’t get into the subject matter that Skins delves into. Not to mention that from a marketing standpoint, it would probably be too boring and wouldn’t make any money. I find that there is a fair amount of hype with Skins and that if parents allow their kids to watch it, then they need to watch it with them and ask the questions. You may not get any answers, but the conversation should get you reconnecting with your teen.
One other thing I noticed. Cellphones. Having grown up without them, to watch the way that these kids use them got me to thinking how kids can more easily hide their lives from their parents. An unattended consequence of the advance of the technology. There was a scene where one of the characters was pulling together plans for an upcoming party and loss of virginity of one of his friends. All this while walking from home to school in the morning. The tech wasn’t in place when I was in school over 25 years ago, so it we would have had to resort to the between class and lunch time. It would have been more efficient with the phone and texting, not to mention more covert. This makes me realize that ever since youth culture was started, about 50+ years ago, that youth culture has been slowly separating itself from the culture at large, and that the technology that we adults take for granted helps the kids to continue this separation.
So as youth workers, how do we handle these things. No, not new curriculum. Conversation, story and experience. The same things that Jesus used to reach out to those that the culture found unclean. Pray is key. Eventually, through all this kids are transformed so that they can reach out to their friends and engage the youth culture like we try to do.
Hillary Buttrick, one of our youth group kids, plays on the varisty team so we decided to watch her tonight.
Update: I realized later that I don’t think that I answered the question, and I read another bloggers post on grace that I want to share. The update is after the 7th paragraph.
I do a lot of thinking. Probably too much, but it has its advantages. I’ve become quite adept at picking up on patterns. After 10+ years in youth ministry, if I get a good chance to get to know a kid, I can usually tell when they are beginning to get unfocused. The problem I run into is that I have to confront them about what I observe. I have a hard time doing that. If the kids are into something that they shouldn’t be, it usually comes out sometime down the line. However, it’s that intervening time that always amazes me. The fact that they will get themselves into something, and when they want to get out, they can’t say it. Something stops them. Usually, it is shame or guilt of the thing that they are doing.
About 5 years ago, we had a group of kids in the ministry that were highly dramatic. One evening, one of them left the praise and worship time during the service, with at least one or two friends in tow. When I asked them what was going on, the one that left originally said that I would get mad if she told me. I reassured her that I wouldn’t, but she wouldn’t tell me. Later, I found out much later that she had been cutting herself. Shame or guilt prevented her from coming forward and speaking the thing that had her in bondage, and taking the freedom from guilt through grace.
As I think about it, this is part of the justifying grace that we talk about in church. Just as if I’d not sinned, as we like to say in Emmaus. The thing that I try to get kids to do is take that step. When I’m aware of something that is holding them back, I try to get them to speak it, as is says in James 5:16. However, sometimes that is only the beginning. Usually, the guilt or shame has to do with the feeling that they have let everyone down. Like they aren’t the good kids their parents tell them that they are. Typically, they are still good kids and the things that they have done, while not what we would want them to do, doesn’t necessarily make them a bad person.
If the guilt or shame hasn’t been dealt with in the past, it becomes a wound in the spirit that continues to require attention. It keeps bringing the wounded person back to the fact that they feel unworthy of the good things that God has given them. I know of few people that don’t have to admit their guilt in some way. Experience has taught me that one of two things happens, they find some way to numb the pain from the wound, or they admit it, get help and comfort and move on. The latter is what God wants for us. I find that with youth, they may tell their youth pastor or some adult that they trust, which may partially heal the wound, but they never tell the person that they feel won’t understand the most, their parents. Then go onto the next relationship, or drug, or drink, or what have you, to medicate the part of the pain that is still around. That pain comes around intermittently driving us into a dark place, leaving us feeling helpless.
A youth worker conference I once attended had a speaker (I don’t remember who) related a story that he had counseled a girl who became sexually active with a boyfriend who she ended up breaking up with eventually. Somewhere in the course of their escapades, she had a pregnancy scare. If I remember his story right it was after they had broken up. She wouldn’t go to her parents for comfort, but rather to her friends. She got some comfort, but was always reminded by something that she wasn’t a “good kid,” because she wouldn’t admit what had happened to her parents. He lost touch with her after she met this really great guy, and went off to college. So he doesn’t know if her pain was resolved. The one thing he said was that even though her parents would have been disappointed, they would have done anything for her, and walked with her through this pain. Instead, she probably still gets reminded about it. Hopefully, she won’t keep running from that pain, and has spoken about the pain.
The idea is that God wants us to be whole healthy people, not walking wounded. In Celebrate Recovery, we go through the 12 steps, one of which is realizing that we eventually have to make amends for the things we have done to others. Making amends usually helps to heal the old wound so that they can go on living their life without the pain recurring later. Something that usually gets numbed by something else.
There are times when I wish I knew how to coax the kids in the youth group into living a more transparent life. However, we adults aren’t much different. We succumb to shame and guilt to hide what we have done, only to tell people that it isn’t any of their business, when they try to help. That’s why one of my most despised phrases is, “but you don’t understand.” It’s just an excuse to throw up a wall and keep the shame and guilt in. However, pain is pain. The experiences are different, and through shared experiences we are healed and can move on. That’s what God wants. We are to be hands and feet, helping to heal and continue our short journeys, in this life.
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Update: I realized that I didn’t answer the question about why do we put ourselves through it. The simple answer is pride. We think we can do this by ourselves. We think that if we screw up, that it doesn’t really affect anybody, but ourselves. We think that we are beyond fixing. We are too bad for God to use us. We feel that we don’t deserve the love from family, friends, and God.
So what can counter this? Adam Mclane had a great post today on grace.
Failure is a part of our walk with Christ. Some would say it is the beginning of our walk with Jesus. It’s part of being a leader. It’s part of maturing. It’s part of learning.
You simply cannot walk with Jesus in a state of false perception of yourself, your mess, and your unique ability to do the wrong thing at the wrong moment.
(Read the whole thing.) We need to embrace the fact that we are all imperfect and that walking with Christ means we have to accept our mess and that He does as well. From there, He will work to fix you.
So give yourself some grace and everyone else. God already has.
It was bound to happen. I’ve been in youth ministry for going on 11 years; almost the same amount of time that I have been in Gaylord. The other night, I received a prayer request email that one of the kids that I knew from my time at FUMC in Gaylord had been killed in a car accident.
I started by helping out on youth group outings like Ichthus and mission trips. Then I started I started teaching 7th and 8th grade Sunday school. There was a core group of 7th graders that I still kind of call “my kids.” They were that original group that God gave me to ease me into youth ministry. Along with the core group, were the friends and family that would from time to time be in the class, and/or youth group as I expanded into the high school youth ministry in a year or two after. While this girl wasn’t in the core group, she would show up from time to time with her cousin. So I got to know her and her family a bit.
I tend to over analyze things a bit and sometimes can be a little too detached from people. So when I sit and process this, I try not to think too much on the things that I can do to help kids find Christ, I can feel pretty guilty if I feel that I have fallen short of doing enough for each kid. I find some comfort that I was one of many that God used to reach out to teens.
I also process the “what if it was one of my kids” question (since I have 4 plus the grandkids), or one of those early kids that impacted my life as I tried to figure out what my role in youth ministry was so long ago. I can’t imagine that. This is the second kid that has passed away in the time that I have been doing this that I have known, and if you count the ones that I didn’t have any relationship with, but know that they were in the youth group at one time, it makes 4, and the second this year. The sadness will fade, but it is there none the less.
A little blog I read everyday, is Jessica Hagy’s Indexed. Her post from today (12/13) was great and I felt that it was something to pass along to all of my young friends in our youth group as well as a few others.
As you all get older you will discover more about yourselves and in so doing, begin to discover what you know about others. I think this goes along with my post about being transparent. Some recent events have lead me to think that you can tell the people who don’t know much about themselves, because they don’t have such a hard time with knowing others. I’m in youth ministry because I have felt a call to help the teens and young adults know who they are and thereby, know others. Those alive in Christ know themselves, and can be transparent about who they are. This is a never ending process, as the graph would suggest. As I admit in my previous post, as transparent as I try to be, there are aspects of me that are still unknown to me and probably the world. So I keep trying to allow people to know about me and in turn know them.
This little discussion has come about from a few youth group conversations and some recent conversations with family members. Earlier this year, with the church split, I was basically in a meltdown mode. I was emotionally all over the place. My dad suggested that I blog about it. I did, kind of. However, I knew that if I did there might be people hurt, confused, or mad with what I have wrote. So for the detailed stuff, I went to my Evernote account. Evernote is a note taking service. I can write notes and stuff and keep it behind a password. This has helped me get through some of the more difficult days as of late, without putting strange, depressing status message on FB and Twitter, or post that would hurt on my blog. I struggle with the balance of speaking truth in love. I love all of my friends and family. I would love some to be able to read some of these posts, but they would have to be put in context on what I was feeling and why I felt that way when I wrote it. Not that there is anything mean or nasty, but I have said things, when I was younger, that was meant to be positive, only for it to come across poorly and what was received was less than being loved by me. So I resort to having to put these things behind a password. The only exception is my wife, well my parents too. We usually talk about everything.
However, (now the real post is beginning) that isn’t what God meant for us. The original idea was that we were to be transparent with God and with each other. This is illustrated, by the fact that in Genesis 2:25 where it is said that they were naked and felt no shame. Isn’t that what we strive for? Being naked, well, in this case in metaphorical terms of being transparent, and having no shame. Obviously, there was nothing that came between Adam and Eve. They may have been physically naked and not had any shame, but I’m of the opinion that they could talk to each other and to God for that matter without holding anything back, and still feel no shame.
It is when “the fall” occurs that the transparency is gone. In Genesis 3:6-11, as God was walking through the garden, they hid because they were naked. Because they had done the wrong thing (eating of the fruit of the tree of knowledge of good and evil), in this case they became aware of the fact that they had disobeyed God. So they try to sew fig leaves together to cover themselves. This is pretty typical. Do the wrong thing, and cover it up when you realize that it was the wrong thing, and don’t tell the ones you love that you messed up, or even blame them.
Ever since, we have constantly had a disconnection from God…and from each other. I think it is important to point out that when the fall of man occurred, that there wasn’t just a separation from God, but in our personal relationships. Even the best relationships still hold back information afraid or ashamed to admit something from our past. However, through Jesus Christ, he comes to bridge that separation with God, and each other. Imagine that we did nothing for selfish gain, but in a true Spirit of love. Even if we did mess up, even if it was something that was considered major, and in most people’s eyes you were considered bad, that family, friends, and the community would rally around you and not excuse the sin, but help to restore you to wholeness. This is possible with Jesus Christ, through the Holy Spirit.
“But you don’t understand…,”How many times have I heard that? In 10+ years of youth ministry, I’ve heard that so many times, and it couldn’t be further from the truth. God has put people in your path, that are full of the Holy Spirit to guide and direct you! So you may not have experienced the same thing, but pain is pain. In my post about how I was leaving Facebook for a while, I shared that it was as painful as two break ups with girls I dated. One of which, was a girl that I lost my virginity to. The pain from each break up and the church split were on par with each other. Soul ties were made, in some case from physical intimacy, and in the other from close friendships that are for now not necessarily lost, but at least awkward because of the fall out from the split. In the case of the girls, I wandered around disconnected from most people and ashamed of what had happened. In the case of the church split, I am healing well, as friends, family, and community, not caring what side of the line I stood on, have rallied around me in the spirit of love, and restored me, well at least some of them. So remember, find someone you trust, to be transparent with, and follow James 5:16. To confess your sins to another and God, will set you free. It did me, so many years ago.
While I am more transparent with people now than I was 10, 15, 20 years ago, I still have more to do. However, what holds me back, are the ones who are not as spiritually mature and would have a hard time being transparent themselves. So I continue to work on the way that I love people, being as transparent as possible. I pray that they are with me. That way one day, I can post things that I find hard to blog about, currently.
I hope that no one will read into this post too much. I was writing in my journal this afternoon, and began riffing on something that I has been rolling around in my head for a while. In the midst of the writing was this paragraph which I felt needed to be shared.
I had a flashback to when I was a sophomore at GVSU. I was talking to my roommate who had surgery on his knee. I was trying to empathize or sympathize, with him (I get those two confused). I had had reconstructive surgery on my nose (interior) while in high school and the pain and uncomfortable feeling was bad. He kept telling me it wasn’t the same as what he went through with his knee, but wasn’t it? What it came down to, was that the causes and parts of the bodies were different, but pain and uncomfortable feelings with post-surgery were the same. It is possible that the intensity was different, but again does that matter? I guess what I’m getting at is that despite the cause of the sadness or heartbreak, everybody hurts and we can all share our stories and pain with each other. That’s what God want us to do, right? Where two or more are gathered in His name, there he is? If we share with each other, then we are sharing with Him? I know that in the church today, we would rather not hear people’s tales of woe, and pride prevents us from sharing. No wonder so many teens leave the church and unplug. No one wants to share their pain or share another’s pain. That’s what I am frustrated with.
This isn’t completely finished. It was just a riff that I felt that needed to be shared. I think that if we shared more deeply, that healing would be more a part of the church, than we see today. I have felt that there is one last great revival, I’m not talking about tents and evangelists or healing ceremonies, I’m talking about like the Great Awakening, The Reformation, you know a time when people don’t get enough of God and change happens. Not this faux political change from the Republicans or Democrats, but change that people would love one another. Okay, now go back to your surfing.
We are wrapping the up the Chosen event for Gaylord. The next one is in February in Grand Rapids, MI at Ressurection Life Church. Hope to see you there!
The object lesson from Mark 2:2-5.
John Rueben dressed our model deer up with tin foil. As well as himself. Great show from him.
