Uncle Drew’s Talk on Sex and Marriage-Chosen GR

Drew Spanding has been doing a talks at Chosen for a few years now. I have to say that the talk he gave at Grand Rapids on Saturday was one of his best. I didn’t take notes through the whole thing, but here was a point that has been stuck in my brain since then.

I’ll start with a story that Drew has told in these sessions before. There was a kid in a small group that he ran who once called to ask him if it was a big deal to smoke weed. Drew said it wasn’t a big deal. The kid asked, “so it’s okay to smoke weed.” Drew replied, “It’s not a big deal.” The kid was about to say good by and hang up when Drew said this, “I want you to be a big deal.” I’m paraphrasing this, but the point was that God created you to be a big deal. When you go off and do the stuff like everyone else, then you diminish who you could be.

So what does that have to do with sex and God’s plan? As Drew put it, and I agree, if you are avoiding sex, so you don’t get pregnant (or getting someone pregnant), or to avoid an sexually transmitted disease, then you might as well grab some condoms and go forth. However, if you have faith in God, then don’t, and realize that God has faith in you. In fact, to drive the point home, let’s look at what Jesus did.

First, think of the woman caught in adultery (John 8:1-11), the Pharisees and others drag her in front of Jesus. After Jesus tells them that he who is without cast the first stone, they all leave and he then has the following conversation (NIV):

Jesus straightened up and asked her, “Woman, where are they? Has no one condemned you?”

¹¹ “No one, sir,” she said.

“Then neither do I condemn you,”Jesus declared. “Go now and leave your life of sin.”

Jesus doesn’t condemn her and tells her to leave her life of sin. We never hear any more about her. However, in a way He has faith in her to go forth and follow Him. Some think that this woman was Mary Magdelene although the passage is unclear.

Here’s a more direct story. Matt 14:28-33. This is where Jesus walks on the water.  Now, Peter asks if he can walk on water. Why, because Jesus is his rabbi and the disciple wants to be like the rabbi. So Peter walks out there. However, he falters as he looks at the winds and waves. So what happened? did Peter lose faith in Jesus? No. He lost faith in himself to be like his rabbi. Drew’s point is this, Jesus has faith in you, but you need to have faith in yourself to be like your rabbi (Jesus).

Are you or have you been in relationship? Does it have to be sexual before marriage? You think that this person is the one, but are they? We often, in the church, fall back on the shame and honor culture of the Old Testament, when we need to introduce people, especially teens to the New Testament. If we do, the doubt they often experience comes from their own self image, and not their doubt in Jesus to forgive. They don’t think that they can be like their rabbi (Jesus).

Remember this, Jesus has faith in you to follow Him. The disciples often messed up, but Jesus always brings them back and they follow. So you think that there is no way for you to get into a relationship without sex? Think again. God will bring the right one. You have to have faith not just in God to do bring the right one, but also you have to have faith in yourself that you can hold on until He does.

Are We All Hanging on by a Thread?

I was listening to a couple of things tonight. One was the most recent Mars Hill Bible church sermon by a guest teacher Peter Rollins. They are doing a series on Ecclesiastes. However, one of the stories he tells was of somebody person on a train that loses their wallet which has their ticket in it. Because of this she has a lengthy conversation with the conductor. The story ends with the conductor telling the train rider that there is no problem with the lost ticket, because she noticed him. Most would think that he is noticed all the time, but really he is just a part of the machinery. Nobody notices him.

Then I was listening to some music right after that and the song by The Letter Black, “Hanging on by a Thread,” came on in the playlist, and this part of the song struck me:

Save me from losing myself
I’m hanging on by a thread
Can You see who I am
Underneath my scars?
I’m afraid to fall
So I’m holding on to You
No I won’t let go
I’m hanging on by a thread

The song is asking for God to notice them and love them. That’s what Peter Rollins asserts that noticing your neighbor is loving them. People are in need of love, being noticed is a part of that.

So now I take it a step further. With teens, what are they longing for? Belonging, being noticed, by their friends, in their world, and for some in their families.  Being noticed, being accepted, belonging. The one thing that I have noticed about the TV show Skins, the kids are all looking for belonging. The show is all based on them finding ways to be noticed by their friends, and in many cases finding ways to be noticed by their families. Many times, it is in not so healthy way.

So one of the ways that experts have found to keep teens and young adults to remain in church, is to give them responsibility in church. When the church notices them, they stay in community. Plugging people into the community is key to discipling them.

I have worked hard at making sure that our kids are noticed by Mary and I. I have worked hard to make sure that kids in youth group are noticed. Has it all worked out? Not always. I still struggle to notice and love people sometimes. Things get in the way. If you read Ecclesiastes, King Solomon admits that everything is futile.  In Ecclesiastes 2:1-10, he lists off all of the things that he has experienced: pleasure, alcohol, building bigger houses, accumulations of possessions, etc. Everything is empty. His conclusion? Be content with what you have (Ecc 2:24-26) and enjoy your work. When you skip to Ecc. 12, you find that he has come full circle, honor God, because this all disappears.

Jeff, why do you care so much about Christchurch?

Back in 1994, I went to the South Pole. For the Antarctic program, the jump off point for McMurdo and South Pole stations is Christchurch, New Zealand. While I pretty much was contained to the south island while I was there, I fell in love with the country. Now, 15+ years later, after passing through the city of Christchurch and portions of the south island 4 times, 2 major earthquakes have rocked the city. The first one did some damage as it was a little farther away and it was deep. However, this one, while weaker than the first one in September of last year, was much closer and shallower, and with the weakened state of many of the buildings, there were many more that came down in the City Centre. This has been a rather said event as the landmark cathedral in the town square lost its spire. The town, from what I can see will never be the same again.

One More Guilt Vs. Grace

I was once again thinking over the guilt vs. grace thing. If you want to read my other posts on guilt vs. grace go to here, here, here, and here.

So while I was driving into Gaylord the other day, I was listening to the podcast, Pray-As-You-Go. The verse for the day’s prayer was Mark 8:27-33. I had been thinking about this the other day and so when this verse came up, I decided that I needed to share this.

On Wednesday, James had a great message for the kids about the vision you have, being narrowed by the things and people that surround you. The story that he told was of a girl that he knows in a metropolitan area who knew Christ years ago (The verse from Mark 8 of Peter confessing who Jesus is.). So she knew Christ, but in the course of life surrounded herself with friends that hang at the bar all the time, so the guys she dated were losers. So her opinion of guys were that they were only one thing. She thought that maintaining her purity was unrealistic, because the guys that asked her out were always from the bar and they only wanted one thing.

This goes along with a post I recently wrote about the danger of listening to one story. Watch the video from that post (It’s 20+ minutes), but worth getting through. In this case this girl listened only to her story and girlfriends’ story that all guys are losers, and to her the life of purity and doing the things that God and Christ would want us to do, is a fairy tale.

However, as the author from the TED talk points out she would be suffering from the fact that she is thinking about only one story. The analogy of life and story is a pretty good one. So we often hear from kids that they are stuck in their story. Don Miller, the author of Blue Like Jazz, often talks about life as a story, and recently offered a conference about changing your story. Write a new chapter. This also blends in with what James preached on Sunday about vision and how God and Jesus allow you to have a larger vision, and in essence, find away to write a new chapter in your story.

I think that in some ways in Sunday School and youth ministry we have taught the black and white thinking to black and white thinkers (pre-adolescent kids) that when we are sharing what should be transformative, ends up sounding like rules, and behavior modification. And while modification in behavior is a good things in some respects, I think that has left out the grace that God promises through Christ.

I’m beginning to think that the moralistic therapeutic deism that Christian Smith and Kenda Creasy Dean wrote about, is brought about by rules and behavior modification. Recently, I was reading from another youth ministry blogger, that the kids aren’t leaving the church as much as the church is leaving them. What I mean, is that we teach a form of behavior modification, and once they go to school or find jobs in the world, they get challenged. Since they are locked in on a rules based story, once they screw up with something that they think is major, they think that they can’t change their story.

Grace is the key to change this. Not the cheap type of grace that Paul preached against, but one where if you screw up, you can come back, God will take you back, and change your story. We see this in the prodigal son, and in John 21:15-19, which is where I was headed, where Jesus restores Peter.

Remember, Peter confessed Jesus as the Messiah, and then denied Him just before He was crucified. Peter was ready to go back to fishing, seeing that he could only see the story that was laid out for him. However, Jesus shows up on the beach and Peter swims ashore (cue Far, Far Away by Five Iron Frenzy). Now Jesus asks Peter if he loves Him, 3 times. While it is painful to Peter, Christ restores him. Peter then went on as a leader in the early church. Peter saw that he had a different story to live.

So what situation blinds you to a story that you think you can’t get out of? What is limiting your vision? Do you know that God wants to write a new chapter to your story?

My Views on My Family

Watch over those who are entrusted to you, not simply as a duty, but willingly  and with gladness of heart, according to God’s will. (1 Peter 5:2)

This verse popped up in my RSS feed for devotions. While the context is church, I knew from the time that I married Mary that the kids were a package deal. This verse sums up what God put on my heart 6 years ago. As I said in a previous post that I wish the time were longer, and as my dad commented there will always be those times when you wish you could have done more or been there, but you get used to it and forge ahead.

So with that, I offer to help the kids whenever I can. Realize that I love each one of  you. There is nothing you can do that will make me love you less…nothing.

Stuck in GR

Switching drivers already!

A New Thorn in My Side

Sometime back in December, I overheard a conversation while the women were baking Christmas treats. A friend of ours had just had a baby, and one remarked how wonderful to watch a life being born.

Somewhere in my head, I began to reflect on the things that I wished I could have had experienced, but have missed out. That is one such event. Don’t get me wrong, I love my family the way it is. I have come to realize that now more than ever, with DS-25 having moved out recently, and DD-18 (is she really 18 now?) out and about, and probably moving out on her own sometime in the next year or so. The last 5 years of marriage have flown by, and since the youngest two were just in their early teen years when Mary and I met, I have watched them grow, with the satisfaction that I was there to witness it and have been a part of it. However, some of the younger stages, I have missed out on. Ones that may have bonded me closer to the kids than it feels now. I’ll experience some of that with the grandkids. I know that for sure, but there are some things that I have missed out on.

Mary and I talked about starting our own family, back when we got married. I was turning 40 and I was didn’t think me turning 58 when the kid turned 18 was one of those things that would be great. Not to mention that I didn’t want to risk Mary’s health, even though she had no risk factors for having a any problems, and the age difference between our youngest now and it’s age.   So it’s kind of disconcerting then, at this point, that  I have been thinking what it would be like to be there for the birth of a child that is related to me. I’m not sure where this comes from. Maybe from feeling not fully bonded with the kids yet, and they are all independent adults so time to continue to grow more intertwined with them is limited. So it gets me a little down realizing that. However, this is just a fleeting emotion. It will pass, but for now, it is a new thorn in my side.

Why am I writing on Shame and Grace?

I’m not sure why, but the last couple of months, I have been pulled into thinking about shame, guilt, and grace. Since I work with teens, I know that some of this has come about because of their questions and dramas, and some from other adults. These questions of how do I handle others sin and how do I handle my own sin have been running around in my mind. Of course, I think this started back when I wrote about things that I can’t blog about, and then about transparency.

It seems that I have been running into lots of writings and sermons with these themes as of late. Here was a great one from Imago Dei Portland:  The Gospel of Matthew, Part 22: Matthew 9:1-17

Foods ready! Now for our company to show.